i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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