omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
