Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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