New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
