Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
