I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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