No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Im part way to drunk.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
