oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize