The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
