Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
