I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
