doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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