remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
