I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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