I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i wish my penis had a tongue
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
