You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
