I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
