R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
