Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
