Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
