Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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