Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
