if i can run in heels then i can drive
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
