please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
