September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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