I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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