yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Randomize
