I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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