we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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