I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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