god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
i believe in u and ur pee
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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