I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
