Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
