a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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