fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
