he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Randomize
