We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
