You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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