You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I am available for nakedness
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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