Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
