two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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