farters have to be the big spoon...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
