Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
