So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
