the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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