After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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