Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
