There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
