Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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