I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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