that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
