he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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