i wish starbucks made bloody marys
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
