Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm always down for nudity.
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