Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The Olympian is in my bed
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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