He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
