I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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