Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
