I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
