so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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