I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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