I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
