Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
