my mouth tastes like poor choices
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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