someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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