So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
