Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
