Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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