Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
