Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
