my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
