This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
